Or something like that.
I'm a mid-thirties, married mom of two who up until a few weeks ago only managed to check her email without calling a support line. My technological transformation came by way of my 15 year old daughter and a little site I like to call CrackBook. Oh yes, I am well on my way to needing a twelve step program with that one!
I have no idea what it is about this site that causes me to NEED to check it nine million times a day. I have "friends", most of whom I don't remember from my school days, listed down the left side of my page. I show them off like war medals. My sister actually referred to me as a "FaceBook Slut"! Honestly, I think she's just jealous cause I have way more "Friends" than she does! Who cares if most of them wouldn't have pissed on me if I was on fire 15 years ago. We are living in the "Inter-now", right? I'm sure these folks like me for me - you know the me they don't know and don't seem anymore interested in learning about than they did when I was wearing friendship bracelets and pegging my pants. But they like me or else they wouldn't have "accepted" me. Unless they too are whores, selling out their little photos to be listed on as many people's pages as possible. I think I am proof that high school never ends.
But I digress.......
So I have this page and I have yet to figure out how it works. The layout to me is messy and redundant. It reminds me of my teenagers' bedrooms. But then, that's the point isn't it? To make teens feel at home? Why else would you have all the nonsense of "tagging" each other, writing "notes", and "poking" or even "super poking" your "friends"?
And what is with all the requests? I keep getting sent all these messages asking me to join and then send things to other people. To date I have a fake farm, a fake candy store, buttons on my bulletin board, Red neck "bling", and a host of other links that I have not idea what to do with at any given time. I even have a "Happy Horse" that almost died from my lack of daily care. I've never killed so much as a gold fish yet I can't keep my fake horse avatar alive!
Is this really the world our children are living in? It's like Alice in Wonderland. Nothing is real. Up is down. In is out. Beware of the Jaberwoki children! And yet it's so very contagious. I have been sucked into the "unreality" of it all. I even was insulted when my dear husband pointed out the childishness of it all to me earlier.
Yes, he's right. It's silly and a waste of time. It's counter productive and a bit depressing to sit here for hours and get not one single acknowledgement from my "friends" that I posted new photos or a witty quip. It's, it's....well, it's like high school all over again.
And that, is the root of my failure. I am unable to walk away because I am still that nappy headed, chubby, be speckled, geek who couldn't get an invite to a party, much less a date for four painfully, miserable years of my teenage life. I am that girl - deep down - who still wants the nod from the popular kids.
I am still haunted by the insecurities of my youth. I am emotionally unable to let go of the constant rejection of the "high school" me from those who were my peers in the late 80s. I am still bitter....It's unhealthy, I know. But i can't seem to let go of those few years. They have framed my very view of my self - what I see when I look in the mirror 15 years later. It is still a reflection of who I was told I was and always would be through the rejection, labels and general disdain of those around me during the most trying years of my life.
Am I insecure? Yes. Was it because of my high school experience? I think more yes than not. Will high school ever end? God I hope so. Until then, there's always FaceBook.....
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